Defying the Rain

‘Got hit by a ghost!’ I chuckle as I pump my bike in the rain. It means W.T.H. in Taiwanese. That’s right -I left home when it starts to sprinkle. I go anyway because it has been 6 weeks of in-your-face ‘healing crisis.’ Sometimes you gotta let it out when it wants to come out. Today is the first time I feel the energy shifting after paying good attention to it. The moon in Aries in me wants to gesture to the heavens. Other parts in me say, thank you for the lessons.

My purple windbreaker begins to soak in the steady rain. It sticks to my arms and cools them. My glasses are getting pelted by drops. I can see why people invented glasses with wipers -my friend MJ mentioned those for an Elton John concert. I am reminded that I am not waterproof; my cold legs are windblown with water. But I am not ready to quit. I need to process a few things.

Unresolved issues has a way of planting themselves deep in the body and soul. We go about our business and suddenly someone’s persistent actions remind you of something from the past, unpleasant patterns you can’t put your finger on, and your responses to those behaviors. It becomes a preoccupation, a virus, even a nightmare. Then the a-ha. After 30 years I thought this person had changed. No. Why were we friends to begin with? I had to be one in order to live in peace with her in school. Oh…that was how I survived as a child living with an angry father. I can love from afar. I really can. I know what wounds caused her to be a certain way. I understand and forgive. But no, I am not sticking by to please and appease.

My arms are chilly under the glistening jacket. Often in Colorado, the weather changes quickly. I hope the raindrops get smaller. It’s doing the opposite. I recall a recent visit from a retired uncle who chased me with his umbrella when it drizzled. You don’t want to catch a cold, he implored. Oy. I’m over 40 and not a delicate flower. Fear, anxiety morphs into fretting and control, no matter how well-meaning. Did I pick up the exert-through-goodwill from my family of origin? How often do I practice this? Apparently a lot because revolt happened at home last weekend. Over a sink disposal.

The bike flies on the gravel path. I lean forward to push up an incline. It would be nice to be wet without the wind.

One more. A demanding mentor’s scrutinizing and chiding remarks. His excuses for not keeping up the balance of our relationship. I endure outbursts because I believe in his expertise and want to learn. It’s over when I spoke up. The blame and ego came like fireworks. My heart pulsated with contempt and disbelief. Believe it -he did this all along. I’ll forgive him and myself for engaging. A wise friend says we are no longer required to take on others’ burdens in the conscious evolution. When the door appears, go. Celebrate your graduation.

I am. Going in the rain like Miss Gulch from The Wizard of the Oz. Cranking fast with purpose. Express. Release. Get lighter.

Ooh. My underwear feels dank and that’s not going away. I’m turning around.